Tuesday, April 24, 2007

No fats, no carbs, no trans fats—no worries

Did you know that Marshmallow Peeps are a "fat-free food"? You would if you had looked at them during the recent Easter season. There it is, proudly proclaimed on each package of the cute confections—"a fat-free food." That should satisfy both fad dieters and those whose doctors have the annoying habit of nagging them about "bad" cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, and heart disease.

Don't look under "Nutrition Information," because you may learn that (1) there is no nutrition in Marshmallow Peeps and (2) there is sugar in them. Lots of sugar. Enough sugar to sweeten an ocean of coffee and tea.

Well, no one eats Marshmallow Peeps for nutrition, anyway; it's not clear how many of us eat Marshmallow Peeps at all. Made from the connective tissues of deceased bovines, et al, Marshmallow Peeps are designed to look achingly cute in your children's baskets on Easter morning, then to harden into an inedible stale solid suitable for beaning playmates or for using in various science experiments.

Sausage party bites are, however, made for eating, or at least indulging in at social gatherings that involve large quantities of cheap American beer, preferably served directly from the keg. If you are South Beach dieting or have health concerns, do not be concerned—at least one brand of these delicacies declares that they have "NO CARBS!" Sure, there is enough fat to keep Jenny Craig, Richard Simmons, and a few dozen Bowflex machines occupied for generations, and enough salt to make a ghost of the Dead Sea, but for the carb-conscious consumer there are "NO CARBS!" Never fear, though; if you insist, you can get them from the beer.

Finally, for now, there is the dairy whose milk cartons carry the happy announcement that there are "NO TRANS FATS!" The cynical among us might note that one doesn't expect to find partially hydrogenated fats, or any of the more typical sources of trans fats, in their dairy cow excretions and that, while whole milk is still a good source of delicious fats and calories, it's not really intended to be a good source of mutant molecules like trans fats.

Clearly, the folks who package and market these food products, who are not to be confused with those who produce them, have the best interests of the dieter and the health-conscious, overweight, or obese consumer at heart. So enjoy some savory sausage bites, top them off with some sweet Marshmallow Peeps, and wash them down with some cold milk. No carbs, no fats, no trans fats, no worries. Why, you just might live forever.

Or until that first massive coronary.

1 comment:

  1. Best Variation: chocolate-dipped Peeps

    I had an ex-girlfriend who decided she was "going to lose weight by cutting all (only) fat" from her diet. I recall dropping a 1-pound bag of Twizzlers - with it's huge "No Fat!" banner - on the table and asking "So, no fat... you can eat as many of these as you want and still lose, huh?" The silence was deafening.